When I finally got out on my own I realized I was in control of my life. I thought being in control of my life would be easy and fun. I could eat and do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to eat candy at 2am I could because nobody was there to tell me that was wrong. If I wanted to get meals from 2 fast food places for dinner, I could because I was paying for it and picking them up. Eventually I realized that even though being in control of my life was fun, it was not easy. Being in control means you are the one that has to say no to the bad decisions. Saying no is not easy. Throughout my life before being in control someone was always there to say no to the bad decisions, and I hated when they told me no. I didn’t realize that I needed someone to be in control of my life.
I am getting to the point where I am realizing I can be in control of my life, it may not ever be easy but it will get a little bit easier. I need to be mindful of my actions and I need to be firm with myself. I need to stop looking to others for what I should be doing and decide for myself what right and wrong looks like. Maybe I need to do some self reflection every evening and ask myself what I could improve on and what I did well.